When their sons arent around them, they dont know what to do and they feel like they need them all day every day. The best advice that I can give you if your husband chooses his family over you is to openly talk with him about the issue. It is not that he loves his own family any less but he is unable to do the balancing act because of his mental conditioning. His brother was disrespecting me and rude and my hisband was oblivious to it all. Well, family feuds are a real thing and if you watched that movie, youd know what Im talking about. That is the reason you got married. Still not sure what to do about your husband taking the side of his family over you? Tell your husband that if you are traveling twice a year let one be with his family and the other one be with his wife and kids. Its a well-known fact that women mature faster than men. Assertiveness entails that you use I statements. Can I divorce? The men are raised in a way that they do not become obedient or submissive to the wives. Eventually, you feel less worthy and as if you have to compete with them for his time. This page contains affiliate links. Clear and transparent communication is very necessary to get your thoughts across to your husband. You remember the movieMeet the Fockers? Marriage is a life-changing decision and must be taken . But instead of festering and fighting with him, you could think of taking some steps so that he could balance his own family and your aspirations as well. We dont get to choose our family members, but we do get to choose our life partners. While this can become a sore point in the relationship, its not something you may want to jeopardize your marriage over. Most of the time he is not realizing the pressures he is putting on his wife by having an entourage of relatives always at home. If you are living with the in-laws you cannot really restrict relative visits because the elderly people are usually free to entertain guests. But if you try to turn his family against him, things will only get worse. Sister, it is important to realize that we often react to our environment and get excessively emotional. Should he balk at that idea, or insist that you back down and accept abuse and ill treatment for the sake of maintaining familial harmony, then youll have some tough decisions ahead of you. 5 ways in which marriage turned out the opposite of what I imagined, 7 Tips For Men Who Are Stuck Between Wife And Mother In A Joint Family, 12 Ways to Deal With a Jealous Mother-In-Law. This cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. This is a reality many married women face in India. Thats especially the case if theyre pressuring him. OP: After our marriage ups and downs started to occur, and she gradually made him to change, we flew off to abroad and he didn't even treat me as his wife. Sister, assertiveness is a very important tool for communication. We share subjects that impact your daily life and we primarily discuss and write about all things related to relationships, breakups, mental health, astrology and much more. If your husband spends time with his parents straight after coming home from work, keeps chatting with them for hours and then heads off to sleep without spending time with you, then it's a concern. He wants to keep the peace between everyone, 3. So it could be an alternative day arrangement. Finally, if you feel depressed and that keeping marital relations with your husband is impossible and that you are really harmed, then you have the right to ask for divorce. His mother passed away three years ago, unexpectedly. He taught me about Islam and he taught me a great deal, praise be to Allah. Due to circumstances he began to earn at the age of 6. They may say things like Are you okay with this? or Is this what you want? or Do you agree?, Make sure your husband is prepared for this. Sister, assertiveness is a very important tool for communication. Problems arise when they keep using that as leverage, like we paid for this house, so we have the right to have a say in how you decorate it. Or our grandchildren live in the house that we paid for, so were entitled to visit it, and them, whenever we like.. Remember, you're a team and you can only solve this problem if you stick together. That, above all, is the issue that needs to be worked out. Due to circumstances he began to earn at the age of 6. If he heads for his parents room after office, you tell him thats just fine but he has to ensure after that when he is with you the door of your room is closed and you have your own space. Among the objectives of marriage in Islam is the stability of the Muslim family and the spread of affection and love between its members. But what ever they buy its none of my business. He and I have no privacy. Being with a husband who sides with his family every time is an excruciating situation to contend with. Dont nag him or demand that he choose right away between his family and you. Yes, that includes your spouses attachment to his family. If you are living with your in-laws, it might happen that your husband comes back home and heads straight to his parents room and comes out of there only after an hour or two? He said that he loved me but that was his brother they grew ip together. They claim to be their knight in the shining armor. In that case, you will have to support him to stand by his family. Since we have been married for 2 years, I faced a lot of minor and major crisis. You may think that its your fault that your husband chooses his family over you, but its not. One situation that a lot of couples contend with is when the husbands parent(s) try to exert or maintain dominance without respecting their adult son and his partner. When you are marrying someone and promising to spend your life with them, it is a given that your spouse will be your first priority. Sadly, many women believe that they can read their partners minds. I am raising money for my asylee friends family! There could be a circumstance when your husband really needs to give his family his undivided attention and financial help. But why do men choose their families over their wives in the first place? On top of that, if your husband accepts he has a problem and hes willing to cooperate, that shows you that youre still his priority. There were some problems with my husband, and at work, and he could not leave the UK and did not see his family for eight years. Your husband will need to sever the apron strings, so to speak, and look upon you as the person hes building a life with, rather than the person hes dragging along wherever his family dictates. This is a common problem women face in collectivistic cultures and especially in the sub-continent. You and your partner must put in an equal amount of effort, propose solutions, and have each others backs no matter what. Does your home feel like a Dharamsala where relatives walk in without even calling and expect you to leave everything and make tea and snacks for them the moment they show their face? Trust me, youll feel instantly better when you open up to him. If you try to find a compromise with him, he wont be forced to choose between you or his family. It is unfortunate that he keeps putting his daughter first. So dont give up on him immediately. What can I do if hes a mamas boy? But if theyre hurting you and making you feel disrespected, then yes this is a big deal indeed. Well, those moms have a difficult time seeing their sons grow up. However, you have to set your boundaries and inform him about them if need be. All perfect praise be to Allaah, The Lord of the Worlds. Couple relationshipsthe pains and pleasures, the anxieties and comforts, the craziness and calm. Then and there he has been flown to abroad (Japan) for 6 years yet he seems to be spending for his family until marriage. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Other. Copyright IslamWeb 2023. Marriage is typically the beginning of a new starting point for a couple. Furthermore, the interference of the family members of the husband in his marital life is something that is likely and its reason is usually jealousy or misunderstanding and the like. Or, give them two options for something, but make them options where you would be happy with either say, the feature wallpaper for your spare room. But take a deep breath because fighting with your spouse wont solve your problems. 2. I know this is a very difficult position to be in. As such, he needs to understand that compromises need to be made. Small gestures of love do not imply that your husband chose his mom over you. Unlike when in the UK or US where mothers often stop to have a drink after work before heading home, you would always see an Indian mom rushing home from work to help her child with homework or toss up delicacies for them. Men are mysterious creatures and mostly they keep things for themselves. The smart wife is the one who is keen for her husband to develop a strong relationship with his own family and for there to be friendship and love between them. The cookies is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Necessary". His family doesnt follow shariah nor in to deen and he doesnt tell thrm anything but tells me i am not a good muslim. Who knows in the process hed probably realize a few things and will be able to create the boundaries. Thats simply not true. It makes you feel worthless and like you have to compete with his family for his attention. That way, you give them a little win whilst getting something you do actually like. And I know that this kind of situation can be very hurtful and you just want to let all the anger out and say whats on your mind. Maintain a good distance. These cookies help provide information on metrics the number of visitors, bounce rate, traffic source, etc. Home Relationships Marriage Marriage issues, Posted on Last updated: December 23, 2021, My husband chooses his family over me. Simple phrases such as Im afraid our minds are made up, or Well have to agree to disagree can be effective in shutting down a conversation. The purpose of doing this is that she wants my husband to earn and give the spendings to his family how he was doing before. He grew up with them, so things cant change overnight. You cant force him to change. 5.8K views, 187 likes, 23 loves, 22 comments, 230 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from : . Simple as that. Theres little to zero privacy and your relationship with your husband will be heavily tested because of it. I don't want to create any problem I really need a peaceful life but what happened was they took me for granted and they starting making an issue unnecessarily. We can only ever process situations through a filter of our own experiences, and what one person considers normal and acceptable might be absolutely appalling to another. When Team Bonobology puts a story together be sure to find strong research-based content. We suggest that you learn to pick your battles. They just secretly hope that hell get out of his mothers shadow and take control of his own life. Then make it very clear to your relatives without being rude that you have work to do when they are dropping in so if you remain confined to your room, they should not hold it against you. Salaam sister So. Its always a good thing to see your husband spending time with his family and friends, but overly prioritizing one over the other can have a huge impact on your marriage. Instead of arguing, try to be a team player with your husband. Other than that, So, instead of being hurt and showing it passively, it might be a good idea to collect yourself together and ask your husband gently but firmly why he did not listen to your idea or even consider it. Resentment would create negativity in your relationship. They three are united to an extent that i have no place. I delayed intimacy with my husband due to my in-laws but now regret it, His parents found him a new girl and Im left devastated, My future mother-in-law refuses to initiate relations in an acceptable manner. That way, he wont be offended when you bring up the issue. Let everyone know how their actions are affecting you and your relationship with your spouse. }[Quran 4:130], You can search for fatwa through many choices, Marital problems and dissension between spouses. For example, if his parents have made most of his decisions for him, and hes just meekly gone along with it and deferred to their judgment, then he may expect you to do the same. Even when I have an illness, he doesn't take care of me. Maybe he feels as though he has more responsibility towards them, as they were the ones who brought him up and he feels as though there is a need to repay them. Women's inheritance laws in Islam. Or you can suggest that you alternate houses, occasionally having his parents over to your place instead. [Al-Bukhari in Al-Adab Al-Mufrad]. As a wife, you have to realize when your husband chooses his family he is actually making a tightrope walk and succumbing to a lot of pressure. 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